What beauty and the beast character am I – In 45 seconds, this man has time to despise Bella (ignoring her when she tries to tell him what her book is about) and yell at his wife: “Marie, the baguettes! Quick!” Patriarchy and savage capitalism have never joined forces with such vigour and in such a short screen time.
23. The Enchantress
At no time do we want to justify the prince: he was classist and selfish in not letting the poor old woman shelter from the storm. However, that witch reacted too dramatically. Turn him into a hideous beast until she learned to love? You have to be twisted. As if that were not enough, she humiliates the entire staff of servants by punishing them. At least the Beast can run since the poor utensils don’t even have legs. That woman is a vigilante, but she is Maleficent’s first cousin.
22. The mental hospital owner
- The problem with this gentleman (apart from those bags under his eyes and that greenish skin) is that, unlike the great villains, he doesn’t even have an interest or a motive to do evil. He is delighted to lock Maurice in the asylum in exchange for a bag of coins. He is a guy is so pathetic that he’s not even suitable for secondary: he’s a functional character.
21. The wolves
- What happens if these wolves never eat? It seems impossible to walk through that forest without this pack of wolves trying to kill you. Where is the ranger when you need him?
20. The Three Innkeepers
- The only moment of glory for these three girls is to criticize Bella for rejecting Gastón (“what’s wrong with that one!?” they sneer), with whom they are madly in love. He must not even know their names. Maybe he doesn’t even know how to tell them apart.
- The townspeople think Maurice is crazy. And things as they are: it is true. This idealist believes that he can support his family as an inventor (because his daughter reads a lot, but she likes working less). The cinema tried to make us believe that inventing was a real profession. Maurice has built an deadly, out-of-control wood-splitting machine, and he’s hell-bent on heading down a forest path that leads to certain death. This gentleman only causes problems.
- The biggest ‘pageants’ in the village suffer humiliation and physical attacks from his best friend, Gastón. But Lefou has a weakness for Gastón, mainly because of his robust neck and dimple, the coolest in the region. Lefou does evil out of love, but that doesn’t excuse him. Gastón at least benefits from his perversity. Lefou enjoys watching the world burn. In the 2017 new version (the one starring Emma Watson), Lefou is openly in love with Gastón, with whom he has an unrequited love relationship. This relationship has scandalized Russia and Malaysia, which have banned the film. They must be the only two countries in the world that didn’t find out that Lefou was already gay in the cartoon version.
17. The Bald Lady
- “Her name also says that she is Bella; prettier than a flower.” In addition to being a no-brainer (even the most minor child has picked up on the metaphor of Bella’s name), this is a supposedly flattering phrase, which nonetheless manages to sound envious and mean. It’s the cartoon version of people saying, “no, if the cute girl is”, right before criticizing her on everything else.
16. The closet
- The closet is the most ungrateful of all the furniture that can touch you in this spell. The poor guy is full of moths, nobody takes him seriously, and he has to comfort a recently kidnapped Bella the only way she can: by offering her a makeover. This closet is only there to perpetuate the stereotype of the funny goofball. Because Disney likes stereotypes, even with furniture.
15. The sheep that eat the book
- That book is from the library and is Bella’s favourite. And this sheep takes half a stanza to tear off a piece of the page and meditate on it. Didn’t she have grass nearby? In that instant, she overwhelmed a whole generation of children, turning them into intelligent neat freaks.
14. The Librarian
- We will ignore the cheek with which he looks at Bella’s body because he is the only one of all those townspeople who treats her well. She knows how many books she’s read and repeated (perhaps because she’s her only customer). She keeps the ladder on the bookshelf perfectly oiled so she can glide down excitedly in a camera movement that looks designed by Orson Welles.
- This ‘tronista’, with a chest hairier than a polar bear, is the unofficial mayor of the village (partly because he intimidates them, partly because he pays for their beer) and one of the most complex characters in the film. . For the first time in Disney lore, the villain of the story isn’t portrayed as a bad guy from the start. He is just an idiot. But ignorance can sometimes turn into pure evil. Gastón manipulates the fear of the villagers. And in three seconds, his speech goes from “Maurice is crazy, the beast doesn’t exist!” to “the beast is going to eat your children!”. Gastón was born to pursue a political career. Her proposal for Bella’s hand is questionable: he does not respect the safe distance and pounces on her. Gastón is terrifying on too many levels.
12. The dog footstool
- If human servants become tableware, it makes sense that the pet would directly descend to the footstool category. That sorceress does not like dogs, an unmistakable sign that she is not clean wheat.
11. Din Don
- We all have a friend like Din Don. The one that when someone lights a cigarette says, “don’t smoke, it’s bad”, as if we didn’t all know it. The one who tells you in detail how healthy his diet is even if you haven’t asked him. Din Don has a disturbing obsession with boycotting any chance for Bella to break the spell. Why is it so important to you to remain a watch for all eternity? Why doesn’t he stop complaining about absolutely everything? Din Don’s best contribution to our education is his reflection on art history: if he is not Baroque, he is a shack. He has all the reasons.
10. Utensils without faces
- Lumière, Din Don, and Mrs Potts are bitter about the spell, but at least they can complain. At least they have human features. The castle is full of other jalopies running around in the background, giving it their all during the ‘What a Feast’ choreography and they don’t even have eyes. Even within the service, there are classes.